Walk On
by Wild Swans
Summary: "Fly on, ride through, maybe one day I'll fly next to you..." The words wouldn't leave her brain... the same way the feelings wouldn't leave her heart.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**_ _ **I hope you enjoy!**_

The shock she felt come over her couldn't be summed up in words which resulted in the sudden cry she couldn't know if it came from her mouth or somewhere else altogether. The way her hands flew to her face, the unnatural way her hair fell in front of her, lengthened by weeks of not going to the hair salon… All of it felt scary. And seeing the red in her fingers even more so. Looking out the window to her left she could see a middle-aged man trying to check if she was alright.

 _Alright? Sure, I am._ She thought _. I'm still alive, I barely feel or can make sense of anything. I'm great._

Her wide-eyed stare was broken when she reminded herself to deal with the situation at hand. She was used to having her days planned out in front of her without a single thing to mar them. But ever since being kidnapped, life seemed to enjoy throwing her off.

She had finalized her business plan to open up her very own restaurant when the place she was eyeing no longer wanted to sell. Her friends no longer seemed interested in hanging out much with her, everyone busy with their own lives and exciting plans. Not even Lily, who she had helped find her very own "soul-mate". It wasn't that she couldn't find other friends; mostly, it was the fact that she felt too tired to even try. This was the time of her life when she was supposed to feel like life was settled and her only worry would be to live it. However, she felt like her life was anything but settled.

Deciding to deal with it, she opened her car door and left the confines of what now felt like a cage, her breathing erratic and anxious.

The blur of everything that happened next seemed to be accompanied by the muteness in her head. She couldn't make out a word that she was saying or even what she was responding to. She could vaguely make out her car being taken off the road as well as the other car that had rammed into her back. In the back of her mind, she remembered telling the police what had happened and how much the other driver was apologizing to her, that he was late picking up his kids and wife. And she knew that all she could think of was that they were waiting for him, so she told him to not worry about the incident and take a cab to get to them, take them home. She would deal with this and he didn't have to worry, she wouldn't demand his insurance pay the damage done to her car.

But now, standing in the police station by herself, she frowned as she thought about everything going on around her. She had no car, her brand new apartment was 5 miles away and the battery on her phone died even before she got in her car, which was now 4 hours ago.

Truthfully, she couldn't think of anything better at that moment than walking for a long time. Her head certainly needed time to think and she needed fresh air like never before.

However, as soon as she stepped outside, the muteness in her head stopped. And the voices that emerged kept shouting and berating her. Mostly, her family. She knew they'd be mad at her and assume she had been driving carelessly. Her dad would definitely flip that she didn't demand that the other driver got the punishment he deserved. Her mother would go on and on about safe driving and how important it was to be cautious all the time. Her brothers… well, they would just get on board with whatever their parents would say. And the worst part was that she gave them all the ammunition and all the reasons to doubt her, to see her as a childish, spoiled person with no awareness of reality.

Looking at her surroundings, she wasn't surprised to find she was halfway to her place. She may not be very athletic but she was a fast walker nonetheless. It was something she had always maintained. Thinking about it more carefully, she knew she needed to. Walking away and fast was always in the back of her mind.

Now that she thought about it, running away had always been in her thoughts. There was a time after learning she was adopted that she kept certain prized possessions in a bag in case her parents ever decided to give her back. Laughing bitterly, she couldn't imagine her parents in a million years ever doing anything like that to either her or her brothers but the doubt had been there when she was a kid. Maybe the doubt faded over time but the insecurity she felt about it never truly left her.

Exhaling, she closed her eyes as she approached her apartment building. _See, nothing to worry about, no need to worry or bother anyone over this._

And as the week passed, she felt stronger in her decision to not tell anyone about such a small thing. She got the car fixed at her own cost; she met with the other driver who she now knew was called Grant Howell to see if everything had turned out okay with his own car; and she definitely managed to cover up the cut and bruise on the side of her face.

Despite holding it all together, it seemed like something had changed in her. She didn't know if literally being shaken up had really set in motion a transformation inside her but the truth was that the little things that she was used to doing weren't there anymore. The thought of even trying to be the "old" her was exhausting, so when her mother invited her for dinner, she knew she had to snap out of it.

Grace wasn't easy to fool so she had to really give her what she was used to. The laughter had to be easy and constant; the smile couldn't leave her face for too long and her mood couldn't turn pensive at the drop of a hat. Everything had been so easy before. All her life she had been used to being their ray of sunshine, her unwavering need and passion to make everyone happy and feel better around her. She wasn't like that because it was organic for her. No, what was her organic in her was her need to love and be loved. What was organic was her absolute fear of letting them see one ounce of sadness or darkness in her. She was their sun.

From early on, she knew that her brothers treasured her and looked at her in a protective way. Being overwhelming in her effusiveness was just the way it turned out, sometimes her affection truly overtaking her in a way she couldn't explain.

Her parents had been so in love with her and their family that she could never be anything but supportive of all good things coming their way. She knew how tough it had been for them to deal with Christian's issues and how mad they would get at Elliot for being so irresponsible in his youth. She used to go downstairs at night to eavesdrop and see what was going on that their parents would feel most concerned about. And she vowed each time she wasn't doing it again ever.

But the fear that she could be one cause for concern for her parents kept her awake until she went down and listened in on whatever they were discussing. Truth be told, she learned a lot that way. She got to know of both her brothers' pasts through little tidbits; a giant puzzle forming in her head until every last piece fell into its rightful place.

The worst moment was figuring out her own story. She never asked them upfront about it even thought they were very honest and open to discuss anything with her. The questions never left her mouth though, since she didn't want to lose what she had up until then: this fantasy she designed in her head where she was just a child her parents couldn't have biologically so they got someone else to carry it for them. So stupid, she knew, but such a refuge in her little mind.

In the end, she was just like any other kid who had been abandoned at birth. In a dumpster, of course. As bad as Christian got it for much longer than any child deserved to endure, his mother still held on to him, in her own misguided way of loving him. And Elliot was unfortunate to have both parents die in an accident, with no close family ready or willing to look after him.

* * *

 _I shouldn't have come… If this is the stuff I'm thinking about, I should just stay away from them._

Knocking on the door felt strange. This had been her house for so long before she decided it was time to make it on her own a little while after the kidnapping.

"Hello, Miss Grey!" Gretchen greeted her with an honest smile. She knew it was honest because she had seen her smile at her sisters-in-law and that was definitely not the same she was getting at the moment.

"So I leave the house and I'm back to Miss Grey?" She smirked and reached for the blond-haired woman's hand for a reassuring squeeze. "Hi, Gretchen, how are you?"

"Very well, Mia, thank you. It's really good to see you." Making her way to the living and dining room area, she is not surprised to see her mother talking animatedly with Ana and Kate. The rather swollen belly on one of the young ladies put a smile on everyone's face. And the ring on the other one was met with as much enthusiasm. Finally, she could see her brothers well on their way to the happiness they both deserved.

She knew that Elliot wanted and craved what he finally got with Kate, even if his laidback attitude didn't show how much all of this meant to him. And Christian… well, if the smile on his face was anything to go by, he was as happy as anyone could get. When their little boy got there, they'd probably have to be sedated or else their smiles would probably stay glued on to their faces. She couldn't wait to see it.

"Hey, Mia! Come here for a second." Christian came up to her when he saw her coming into the room. Reaching for her hand, he steered her towards the window area, close to where Elliot was inspecting the job that had been done over the beginning of January.

"Hey, Princess Sparkles." Elliot greeted her, distractedly, but still managing to add in a joke for good measure.

"Hey, Elliot." She just rolled her eyes, not in the mood for retorts.

Christian simply frowned at her response, deciding not to say anything about it. "Mia, I heard from Taylor that an occurrence has been reported about a week ago concerning you and another man… Do you want to tell us what that's about?"

Of course, Taylor would find a way to get a sniff on this thing. She had won the argument over the holidays about not needing a CPO running after her. What was the point? She had one at the time she was kidnapped and she promised to be more careful about who she talked to and where she went.

"Not particularly. Nothing I didn't handle myself, Christian, don't worry." And the added smile softens the blow, she thinks. "Come on, forget about that. Tell me the names you and Ana have been thinking of for little Blip!"

Distraction wasn't very effective around Christian but it worked when it came to his unborn son and his wife. "We're thinking family names, but I can't tell you exactly what those are because Ana doesn't want to jinx anything. She's just reading everything on pregnancy and babies and I think it's freaking her out a bit."

Mia smiled. She knew that if Ana was freaking out a bit, then Christian had to be borderline panicking with freakishly scary scenarios in his mind. The loss of control in this situation had to be driving him mad.

"I get that. So long as you don't call him Christian that's cool." She retorted, trying to get herself back in her usual groove. Grinning, she added. "I think we can only survive one moody Christian at a time."

"Let's just pray the kid is calm like Ana." Elliot shrugged and bent down to inspect more thoroughly the junctions in the windowsill.

Christian just glared at Elliot, not caring to let out a retort. He was never too fond of being made fun of. But in a way, Ana loosened him up a bit so bickering was no longer cut short by his temper. He could go with the flow now. One thing hadn't changed though, he could see the signs in front of him and right now Mia was sending out quite a few that got him worried. Her smiles were fewer than normal and she wasn't hanging on to his arm, being her affectionate self.

* * *

She saw Kate heading her way while she put the dishes away in the machine, a move that she thought would guarantee her some time to recollect her thoughts and give her the right energy to make it through the evening.

"Hey, Mia… Can I talk to you for a second?" She asked, her quiet voice giving away that the subject was serious.

"Oh… sure, Kate. Let me just take these last few things and I'll be right out on the back patio." Kate nodded and gave her a little smile. Knowing Kate, a gesture like that was not to be taken lightly; whatever it was that she wanted to talk about, she was trying to give Mia a sense of comfort before going right for the jugular. Mia gulped as she tried to think of what she could possibly want to talk to her about.

Joining her future sister-in-law, she sat down on the stairs that led to her parent's backyard. The amount of happy memories she had of that place was enough to calm her.

"So, Ethan has been trying to call you…" Kate started, unsure. Why did she have to be put in the middle of this mess? She was already regretting helping her brother out with this. Although, when he begged her to get Mia to talk to him, she knew she had to try. Not only for her big brother but for Mia as well. She liked the girl. That was saying plenty; she could count the people she liked on her ten fingers.

"Oh…" Mia wasn't naïve, she knew Ethan wanted to talk to her and make it official that they were no longer together. She didn't need him to call. Honestly, she kept him out of her life ever since the kidnap incident. It was the wrong time to try for something she knew she wasn't ready for, as much as her heart had already decided for her. How odd that for once she was able to control her instincts to show her love and adoration for someone. Maybe it was just her innocence… the fact that she had never felt what Ethan now evoked in her. She couldn't fail at this, even if it meant waiting and giving it time…

"I know… I got his messages saying he needed to talk to me about something serious." She sighed. "It's okay, I know he is moving on and probably is seeing someone else… We… We never even defined whatever the hell we were doing so it's okay." The smile she was able to muster hurt her more than she could say but there was nothing else for her to do. She had to reassure Kate that she was fine so that Ethan would know that it was okay to move on; that she wouldn't expect anything from him other than friendship, hopefully.

Kate frowned and looked at her fidgeting hands. _Oh, boy, this is going to be worse than I thought_ … She knew Mia would be understanding but she wasn't sure that was the best reaction for the girl standing next to her and right now she wanted to kill her brother for putting her in that position. "Mia… it's not really like that… The thing is that he had been with someone before you met him right after he came back from college."

Mia looked intently at Kate, trying to see where this conversation was going. Was he back with his ex-girlfriend? She had said she'd be okay with that… even it that had been a blatant lie. "And he's back with her, is that it?"

Looking into dark eyes that Kate noticed had green hues in their irises' edges, she saw the vulnerability that she knew had always been there, lurking in the shadows. "She's in Seattle now…" _Spit it out, Kate!_ She screamed at herself. "She's pregnant…" She gulped, trying to get it out as fast as possible.

The shock in Mia's eyes was enough to see that she didn't have to say anything else; she had gotten the message, loud and clear.

"Ethan's going to be a father…" Mia whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

Kate was confused at first.

She frowned as Mia sat up and smiled, letting a small breath out. "That's great! Is he excited to become a dad?"

If there was one thing Kate knew was putting up walls and not letting others see any kind of weakness. So, it was clear as day that Mia was adhering to that technique. "He's overwhelmed. He has no idea what to do and he barely knows if he's one tiny bit okay with this."

"Well, he has to be there for his girlfriend… she needs him now… her and the baby." Mia shrugged. She wanted to run. Inwardly, everything in her screamed for her to leave and fast. She wasn't sure she could handle the amount of pain stabbing at her heart.

"Ex-girlfriend! I… think that's what he's trying to do… but then there's you, Mia." Kate softly said.

"There isn't anymore." Mia shook her head. "I'm his friend. That's all." _Not to you, it isn't, you fool!_

"That's not the way he feels about it, Mia. Maybe you should talk to him… He's been dying to get to talk to you. Just hear him out…" Kate begged. And now her brother was making her beg. She hated it. "Please, he's your friend, like you said… he needs a friend now."

Mia felt the knife twist further. She didn't want to help him right now; she wouldn't be strong enough to see him handle becoming a dad and devoting his time to another girl. A woman… she thought bitterly. Not a silly girl like her, for sure. "Yeah, I'll do that… Gotta go now though…"

Making her way back to the kitchen, she was glad she'd put her denim jacket on top of a stool by the counter. Quickly, she grabbed it and went out the back again, just as Kate came through the door, following her. "I… I gotta go. I have a couple of interviews tomorrow." Okay, not a lie, at least. "Please, just tell them that I had to leave early… And I'm happy for him. He'll be a wonderful father and he'll love it once he gets used to the idea, we both know that… Bye, Kate."

Without waiting, she simply left Kate in the middle of the kitchen, wondering just how she got herself in the middle of so much trouble.

Getting to her first of three interviews for the day, she knew she had to ace it. If there was one thing she took seriously, that was her love for cooking and since her plans hadn't been working out for her, she had to adapt. Right now, she was going to start in the most conventional way possible. It was the only possibility and she was actually glad that no one else knew of this. It was her project and her chance to do it on her own, with no family interference.

The first place was a hip restaurant, with a very modern look to it, located right in the heart of Seattle. It was a nice opportunity and very close to home. However, it was a bit too elitist and just the kind of dining experiences she wouldn't like being part of. The menu she saw was all about the latest trends but no heart to it. She could just see the girls she went to school with hanging out here with their rich husbands and boyfriends. That made her hesitate on promptly accepting the offer the owner made her by the end of the interview. A nice, slightly exuberant guy with way too much gel on his hair.

 _Don't be so judgmental, Mia Grey!_

The next two places definitely left her torn. Both were unique in their own way. Both were soulful and uplifting.

She felt tempted to throw a coin to help her choose. And then she realized how lucky she was – she had three options when that morning she wasn't sure she'd have any at all.

Deciding to unwind and get some fresh air, she headed to Rose Garden. The first thing she did when she got there was close her eyes and breathe in as deeply as she could. She had always loved that fragrant aroma in the air.

Oddly, it reminded her of childhood, when her mother would teach her all about the origins and specificities of flowers in their own garden. She'd get Elliot and Christian too but, while Christian had been a bit curious for sometime, the boys mainly steered clear of those "bonding" sessions. On the other hand, she felt compelled by everything: the flowers, their scent, their colors,… Grace Grey surely knew how to connect with her only daughter.

"Feels nice, doesn't it?"

She froze.

He couldn't be here. Not now, when she felt good enough after being so lost for the past few weeks but most of all, after getting the shock of her life by Kate's conversation the previous evening.

She turned and looked straight into green, almost transparent eyes. "Ethan… hey, how are you?"

It felt so forced. Even she could hear it in her voice how insincere her chirpiness was.

"I need to talk to you, Mia." He looked so serious, so sullen. She knew he could be this way but had never seen it. He was so relaxed when they hung out before, never a dull moment with his witty banter that would tease her own sense of humor.

"I know, Kate told me." She said, smiling as genuinely as she could. "I hear congratulations are in order."

He frowned. "Why are you being like this?"

Taken aback, she actually had to raise her eyebrows. "What do you mean?" She shook her head, the smile still on her lips.

It was his turn to shake his head. "I didn't know Lizzie was going to come back to my life and drop this bomb on me…"

 _Lizzie_. The blurry image she created in her mind now had a name. She could see her and envision what she was like, with a little bump and everything. And now she could call that vision Lizzie. An endearment. That was not a one-night stand for sure. Nope, that was serious girlfriend material.

"So, how is she doing with this?" Mia didn't know why she asked that but she had to admit that she was way too curious to let it rest.

"She's… okay. Mia, I didn't come here to talk about her."

"Why did you then?"

"I have to explain things to you…" Ethan started to say, until Mia raised her hand to stop him.

"No. Don't do that. I don't need you to write it down for me." She chuckled. "Lizzie and your baby is what you should be focusing on. We both knew it wouldn't work out with us anyway. We're better off as friends, right?"

"Oh, we both knew it, did we?" He looked offended by her words. "I thought we were on the same page, Mia, but I really don't know what's going through your mind. I mean, I thought you'd want more for us… were we just messing around? If I knew you were thinking this…"

"What, you'd go ahead and get back together with your ex-girlfriend? Oh, wait, you didn't need me to do that…" She snapped.

His face paled and she knew she had gone too far. She wanted them to stay friends. There was no use in fighting with him, regardless of her feelings. If there was one thing she didn't need right now was more reasons to feel bad about herself.

"I'm sorry, Ethan, I didn't mean it… I know you didn't plan this. And hey, I'm here for you, I want you to count on me. But I don't want to dwell on whatever it is we had."

"Whatever it is we had… Seriously, I don't even know what to say to you. It didn't mean anything to you, did it? I was just a guy for you to lean on and have some fun with, that's what you're making it out to look like." Ethan said, his eyes so transparent and clear that she had to look away. He'd see through her, the same way she was seeing he was hurt by her words.

"You're going to be a father." She said, to remind both of them there was something standing in their way now. There was not Ethan and Mia. There was Ethan and a baby and his or her mother. "That's such a beautiful gift your girlfriend is going to give you. You're going to fall in love with her all over again if you haven't already and they'll be the most important people in the world for you."

"But you…" Ethan started to say.

"I'll babysit once the time comes if you ask me to. I'd love to be there for you. As a friend. And that's it." She braced herself and took his hand, smiling up at him. "You're going to be so great at it. There's nothing this kid will need or want that you won't be able to give. You were made to be a dad, even if you can't see it right now."

Resigning himself to what she was saying, he knew there was no chance. He'd made sure she wouldn't want him the same way he desperately wanted her. He wanted her with his kid, sure, but not to babysit. He wanted her by his side the whole time. As unconventional as it was, he was sure he wanted her in his future, maybe as his wife, definitely forever with him. And the baby that they'd both take to school and to the park and the beach… So many things he wanted to do with her but she was taking herself out of the picture. It wasn't fair, he knew, to ask her to change her dreams and become a stepmom to a child that wasn't even born and that suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

"Thank you…" He whispered, his eyes lowering to their joined hands. "I wanted more than this for us… but I'll take anything you give me right now, Mia."

"You'll see that I'm right and that you'll look back and love that Lizzie came back into your life with a life that you both created. Out of love." She followed his eyes to their hands, giving his one last squeeze before letting go.

The fact that he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs how wrong she was and how her words hurt him made his chest ache with anger and frustration. But Mia had made a decision and he couldn't say anything to sway her, he knew. Why did she have to be so kind to him? Why did she have to be so understanding and caring, or at least tried to, at all times? His degree in psychology was definitely not proving helpful right now to decipher her other than enabling him to see she was protecting herself and taking the high road.

Right now, he couldn't even say what he wanted to say. The three words he had waited long enough to say were stuck in his throat. But it'd be cruel to her so he just swallowed them, along with his craving for her lips. He didn't know if he'd be able to ever tell her. Maybe he'd write it down and give it to her someday in the future. A very distant future, he guessed.

Sensing that he wasn't about to leave, she decided to be the first to go. "Well, I gotta go now, Ethan. Please, just take care and we'll keep in touch. If you're ever scared of what the kid will turn out to be and how you're going to deal with it all, including labor, call me." She winked at him. "Christian and Ana having a baby is giving me a glimpse of the craziness you'll probably go through… though my brother is a paranoid control freak so you should handle it a bit better… hopefully."

Finally smiling, Ethan marveled at her. So beautiful. Everything she did only made he more beautiful and her words pacified his troubled heart and mind. "Thanks, Mia. You take care too." He saw her turn to go and walk fast like she always did. "Hey! Your hair looks really nice."

She threw a smile over her shoulder and waved back at him. "I know!"

He wished he could saw more, so much more. She wouldn't let him though.

And as she lay down looking up at absolute darkness, she wondered if she'd be able to move past this. Her first love, her only love, belonged to someone else. He would have a family of his own, be happy with them and inevitably their friendship would become a fading memory. Maybe not completely, since their siblings were about to get married.

 _I can be happy by myself_ , she muttered. It might take time but she'd get there. There was no other way for her.

But her conscience taunted her with the knowledge she'd always look back and see him as her lost prince charming. The one she dreamed growing old with.

The one that she gave herself fully to. The one that she gifted with her blushing innocence.

How could she just erase that memory? Shaking her head, she cursed the day she ever met him. But most of all, she cursed herself for being so weak, so open-hearted to the first person that made her feel complete and that now made her feel as bare as she never knew she ever could.

Waiting for him was not an option, yet she knew she couldn't do anything else. Christian may not share her blood but in this particular case she knew they shared one important truth: their first love would be their only love.


End file.
